Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
