Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
