You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
