At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
