My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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