i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
