This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
