My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
