**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
