No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
