a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
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its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The air was thick with penises
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize