im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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