he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
