the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
