Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
