my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.