i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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