At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
