I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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