My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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