I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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