woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
