I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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