i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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