Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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