I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
