go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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