I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
