We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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