Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize