Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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