easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
