well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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