If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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