Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
