theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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