The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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