Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
