I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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