if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
