Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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