Your dad touched me again.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
