i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I need water and some morals
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
