In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
