I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
