The maid of honor just puked.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
