does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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