wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
