i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
