The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
