Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
