Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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