Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
