if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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